Jean's Journal: Are you in a BBH (Boring But Happy) marriage?

by Jean Farrell

You can see from the poster (above) how musicals differ from decade to decade. I have been attending these excellent productions, by Athlone Musical Society, since I was a young child. We used to call them ‘operas’.

We loved Liam Dwan. Liam played the comic role in each one for many years. He was a superb actor. His famous daughter, Lisa Dwan, is following in her father’s footsteps now.

Personally, I love the old musicals. ‘Oklahoma’ is my all-time favourite. Looking at the list here, I recall enjoying ‘The Student Prince’ very much. A young prince falls in love with a barmaid.

Romantic novels are full of similar types of impossible love stories. I mention these because of a very interesting article I read lately.

“Have you a BBH marriage?” wrote Jean Claude Chalmet in The Times newspaper. “BBH - Boring But Happy marriages are the best,” he declared.

He continued, “As a couples’ therapist with over 25 years’ experience, I believe that the average marriage is vastly under-rated. Passionate, lust-filled Mills and Boon style relationships, full of action and drama, are harmful to one’s mental and physical health. The reality of a fiery, volatile marriage is a lot less satisfying than it sounds. You have to be on your guard, and frequently on the defensive, as your partner’s behaviour changes, from amicable to cool or hostile. I wouldn’t recommend it.”

He continues, “Compare this to the safety and trust you feel in a Boring But Happy marriage. You are with a person in whose presence you feel at peace. You are emotionally safe. You’re willing to forsake excitement and insecurity for consistency and the other basic fundamentals of a long-term relationship - mutual respect, kindness, care, understanding, tolerance, affection and consideration.

“I don’t often see BBH couples in my therapy room. I see idealists, the woman in love with the person she thinks her husband could become rather than the person he is; or the man who believes if only his wife would change, he’d be happy — he doesn’t need to change a thing!

“Those in BBH marriages see their partner’s flaws and accept them, along with their own. Feeling secure and able to be yourself in a relationship grounds you. You gain the time, confidence and headspace to think about what else you want from life, in work, hobbies, and friendships. Ultimately, that enriches your Boring But Happy marriage.”

Here’s an example of a relationship that will definitely not survive to become a ‘BBH’ marriage.

I came across it in some publication recently and it shocked me. A new father wrote to an agony aunt saying, “My first child is 8 weeks old. I can see why men have affairs at this time. My wife has completely ignored my existence since the birth of the baby. We had to have a big argument to get her to even acknowledge me, not to mention having sex.”

I bet our Angela McNamara never received such a letter! The poor wife! One advantage of being reared in a big family is that we learnt, very early, that we are not the centre of the universe – as this man seems to think he is. And we also learnt to put up with the various low points that occur in all our lives. We learnt resilience.

Much resilience was needed long ago. Mothers reared big families in small houses, some with no running water or electricity.

As good Catholics, we were told that we could offer up all our sufferings and hardships for the souls in Purgatory. The more suffering we offered up, the more souls would be released into Heaven, by us. I remember an old man commenting that there must be no souls left in Purgatory because of all the sufferings poor Irish Catholics had offered up for them.

Are we still supposed to believe in Purgatory, or has it gone the way of Limbo?

A little bit of history: I was reminded of the hardship of old by a reader who remembered the hall that Athlone Little Theatre now owns.

He was a young boy in The Marist National School from 1949 to 1954. This school was beside Saint Mary’s Church back then.

He wrote, “Quite a few of my classmates headed for that hall each midday for their cocoa and slice of bread and margarine. On the odd occasion jam would appear on the ‘menu’. It was managed by a Mrs Tansy from Saint Patrick’s Terrace and some helpers. She ran a tight ship and was treated with great respect by the boys who availed of this opportunity to ease their hunger pains. Desperate times for some Athlone families in those days.”

Another reader remembered going to boxing lessons in that small hall. Ohers recalled the Irish dancing classes held there.

On a much lighter note, I came across an article written by Jeremy Clarkson. He was writing about cigarette smoking. I wrote about this, also, in a recent article. I love Jeremy Clarkson’s articles because he thrives on being outrageous!

He wrote, “I remember, back in the 1980s, talking to a bore who said that he didn’t know a single person who smoked. And I replied saying I didn’t know a single person who didn’t. Smoking among my friends was a rite of passage. You smoked. Then you had sex. Then you got a driving licence and only then were you deemed wise and mature enough to vote.”

Remember that Jeremy Clarkson wasn’t reared in Holy Catholic Ireland. He didn’t have to worry about Limbo, Purgatory or Hell!

jeanfarrell@live.ie